1,000 Thoughts: White Knights and Valentines Day
Q: How do I handle dealing with “white knights” at parties without beating them up? From Urban Dictionary, “white knight”: a male who, in a desperate attempt to get himself laid, will attempt to woo or impress any female he comes across by being overly defensive of her and giving her special attention.
The thing is when trying to get laid, some men don’t want to follow the rules. They don’t like to have “the law” get in the way of what they want. I’m of course referring to Newton’s third law of motion: what goes up must come down. You’re just trying to get what’s up in the air to come down and these guys roll in trying to break the laws of gravity. These guys have some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. Unfortunately, there’s nothing much that you can do to “deal” with them. They’re people and they’re allowed to do what they want. I’d also be incredibly careful about throwing the term “white knight” around because people who accuse people of “white knighting” are usually college boys in plaid shorts, who are angry that someone stopped them from carrying out questionable motives.
Otherwise, you have to be more charming. Be the Black Knight, you know, Martin Lawrence. Or be the Dark Knight, Batman. If not, why does it matter? If theoretical women choose him over you, then that’s their decision. I’m not saying that defending a woman or giving her special attention is bad, or that women shouldn’t choose men like this. But there’s a difference between doing something because you feel it and believe in it, and doing something because you’re trying to impress people. Hopefully they can tell the difference between sincerity and deception. I’m assuming that’s what you mean. I’m assuming you’re not wearing plaid shorts. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. These men don’t regularly get laid but once in a while they’ll wrangle in a nice, low-self esteem woman. They’re the men that girls talk about when they say, “Oh my gosh that was a mistake.” You know, they’re real social justice warriors. At the end of the day if you’re not defending someone because they need defending, then you’re not doing it for the right reason.
Q: Valentine’s Day is stupid and a Hallmark holiday but it’s marketed everywhere and to everyone. How am I supposed to ignore it this year as a single person?
I have to start by saying I don’t know what “Hallmark holiday” means. I barely know what “holiday” means. Want to know why? Because I ignore it just like every other holiday. There’s one holiday I actively pay attention to and that’s Christmas because my family celebrates it and I get to eat a nice ham dinner and I love a nice ham dinner. “But, but, but, Man of 1,000 Thoughts, I try to ignore it. I just can’t escape it!” Wrong! You are wrong! The reason you’re unsuccessful at ignoring it is because you’re not trying to ignore it. Valentine’s Day irritates you, and so you notice things you otherwise wouldn’t notice. You have to dig deep into your pathetic soul and try to understand why other people’s beliefs or holidays that you don’t care about affect you so greatly. Guess what? Kwanzaa doesn’t apply to me. I don’t run around the end of every year I’m not black yelling about how I can’t escape Kwanzaa. I bet you don’t either. I bet you only do it for Valentine’s Day, and that’s because you have some extreme insecurity about yourself and relationships and you relate that back to Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s only because of your shallow interpretation of the holiday, the same terrible interpretation you’re accusing Hallmark marketing of making. Valentine’s Day can be about love and affection, not necessarily for a significant other. It can be about a friend. It can be about you. You can celebrate fine as a single person. Get yourself a nice pizza and some movies, maybe video games if you’re into that sort of thing. Either do it by yourself or with a friend or two. Sounds like a golden night to me.
